‘Why Funke Kuti, Weird MC, Kate Henshaw And Funke Akindele Are Walking With Us Against Domestic Violence October 29’ – ACTS Generation Boss, Laila St. Matthew Daniel

Mrs. Laila Jean St. Matthew Daniel, the Executive director of all about domestic violence organisation ACTS Generation is set to hold the annual walk against Domestic Violence.

The date is Thursday October 25 2012.

And the mother of celebrated boss of F.K Management, Funke Kuti dissects the manner and format of the project, Aims and
Laila Jean St. Matthew Daniel
Objectives of her organisation, along with the interesting drama that comes with it in this chat with societynowng.com.

Que, What is ACTS Generation?

Ans,ACTS Generation is an organization that is built to cater for marginalized and abused women, youths and children and according to the UN, the youths which caters for people between 18 years to 35 but some people say that youth extends to 45 that include both male and female are part of the people we cater for.

This organization which is a non governmental, non profit and voluntary outfit is specially committed to cater to the healing of the mind and body of troubled, hurting people, especially women and ‘at-risk’ children, using biblical principles irrespective of class, race, ethnic or tribal affiliation. I am the executive director cum coordinator of this project and it launched last year with the Lagos State government ministry of women affairs supporting us. I’ve been in this for as long as I remember because it’s what I’m duly passionate about.

Que, Why do you chose to preach against domestic violence and abuse and not other issue?

Ans,We strongly believe that you do not need to resort to violence before you get your point noted, you don’t need to resort to violence to resolve an issue, when you lash out, you are the one that is out of control and you need help, so with that that is what we are trying to solve. We also found out that people who are violated are most times misunderstood and these are the perpetrators of the reaction and I tell them that you are not the one that is at fault but your other half are the ones that need to be examined. If it is the woman that is the abuser then she’s got a big problem, so that is it thus I have a passion for women who are abused and violated, whether emotionally or verbally. People go through emotional violence, domestic violence and verbal violence where they won’t know what is going on. Most people refer to it as nagging but there is a stage where nagging turns to verbal abuse and you are abusing the man or the woman. Other people
are seeing to other causes but we feel little attention is given to this and that is why I’ve spearheaded this.

Que, So, what is ACTS Generation up to this year?

Ans, Like we did last year, we are organizing a walk on Thursday October 25 2012 from Ojuelegba through Western Avenue to Teslim Balogun Stadium where we would be advocating against domestic violence and abuse on people. It’s actually tagged Stomp Out Domestic Violence and Abuse awareness walk and we have entertainers like Funke Kuti, Weird MC, The Engager, Kate Henshaw and Funke Akindele walking with us. And we are using the month of October because it’s the month where the world has chosen to campaign against abuse and violations. Throughout the year, we try to help people sought out their problems legally and morally and we have a few success stories and that is why we are calling on notable organizations to support us and we are organizing this second walk to create more awareness so that we can have more successful results.

Que, How do you help people going through abuse?

Ans, People going through abuse must be ready for help, if not, they keep going back because we have had such cases. The level of interference is totally dependent on the victims. If it is heavy or physical abuse, we try and see the abuser to seek therapists but if the abuser refuses and calls our bluff, such persons would be picked up if he or she refuses to stop battery because it’s now a punishable offence in Lagos State but if it is minor, it goes back to the abused person’s decision. And when it is minor, the first step is to invite the abuser and find a lasting solution because this is not an NGO that disrupts marriages but if the marriage or relationship has broken down, then the children are the most concerned and in such cases you find out that emotions are gone and it’s always the abused looking for a way out.

Que, Your passion about this project seems to meet more than the eyes, is it as a result of a personal experience?

Ans, Well, yes, I was the personal experience. I was once a victim of domestic abuse and violated person. I was involved in an abusive relationship once with my husband. I have been abused and violated myself. It’s a situation you never knew or imagined would happen but happened.

Que, You said you were once violated, can you share the experience?

Ans, Domestic violence, physical violence and it actually started with a hot dirty slap and all that but I have healed, I didn’t know but I started healing when I started having a reconciliation with myself and I knew that I’m wonderfully, beautifully and intricately made by God almighty and nobody has the right to violate and abuse me. You see there is a circle called a circle of violence, the first time, you are shocked and surprised and you keep hoping that he or she would change and as you are hoping your self esteem keeps eroding and going down because you begin to ask yourself questions and wonder if it was you or your fault and when people say you should leave, you say it’s not that easy and I can tell you that the people who are batterers are charmers. They are very good with their mouth and when they beg, you would just forgive them and it’s funny that they actually felt sorry at that time because they seem to be seeing their lifelines in boosting up their self esteem wanting to walk out on them, they would do anything to hold you down. So, I kept trying for a long time and after a while, I lost myself esteem and literarily became a mess when you begin to look for things that would take your mind off it and if you are lucky, something happens and you begin to reject this abuse and all the beggings and apologies don’t work anymore and that would also get to stage that if you are financially challenged, you would find it hard to leave and most times, they try to get you into that situation where you can’t do without the man or the woman. With the man been abused, it’s always hard for him to talk because who would he want to tell that his wife beats him up or shuts him down and you would find such men resorting to drinking or other vices just to take them out of that memory.

Que, So, what was it like in such situation?

Ans, It was bad, I mean there is no form of abuse whether physical, emotional, verbal or financial abuse, there is none that is great. And it takes a proper repair of the mind to actually be able to leave the past behind and move ahead and not allow it affect your life because if the mind is not well catered for and treated, it might see the victim falling into hands of spouses that are abusers or violators. It seems like some forces that attracts just abusers or violators.

Que, So, which is the most common cases that you have treated?

Ans, Physical, verbal, sexual abuse are all seen and treated but the most common is physical abuse and then there is sexual and emotional abuse because a lot of men even abuse their wives at home and people don’t actually know that there are sexual abuses like the husband raping the wife and same with financial abuse when the spouse or abuser puts the partner in a position that he or she is financially dependent on the abuser for financial purposes. Because she’s your wife or husband doesn’t mean he or she is a sex tool, you both need to give consent to have sex not forcing your partner against his or her wish.

Que, Based on direct and indirect experience, what would you say leads to domestic violence or abuse?

Ans, It boils down to the same thing which is no matter what condition, you do not need to resolve to any form of violence just to be able to resolve a conflict and when you resort to conflict, that means you have got anger management problem. It might not be obvious but you have inability to handle mix emotions inside of you and the tendency is that to get in control, you lash out.

Que, So, what are the signs to look out for in an abuser or violator?

Ans, There are several signs but one of the major sign is when a man easily explodes every time at little things. You see him exploding at the driver, at the cook, at his wife all at once and when you ask him, he says they are all very stupid. From the woman’s side, aggressiveness is not the same thing because the woman mostly do that when or if she’s bigger and it’s very rare for a man who is big to be physically abused but the percentage of men who are abused is very minute but verbally it’s quite a lot but men have a way of getting out of that abuse and that is resorting to another relationship outside the marriage or relationship. So a man who is always erupting should be watched carefully and if you find out, something is happening in his household or with his girlfriend and if not, anyone close to him should advise him to see anger therapist for management because he would definitely and eventually lash out.

Que, As a psychologist, how did you overcome your situation?

Ans, Well it was after my situation that I did psychology and that is why I said what I know now if I had knew it before, I might have been able to handle my situation well.

Que, But did you make attempt to make your husband see a psychologist?

Ans, I can’t remember but I think a friend of mine advised me, you know when in those days you ask a man to see a psychologist, they all think the person is mad and as such when I told my husband then to visit a psychologist, he called his sisters and told them that I’ve turned him into a mad man. Psychology of the mind is very intricate and as such you handle every case differently, so I didn’t have such knowledge then and that is why I went through the eight stages of the violation study. It starts with when the whole thing happens, there is confusion, then the man comes to apologize which is the honeymoon stage then you go to the third stage of hoping and once you have settled down, he begins to find out ways to agitate him to repeat the circle again and he beats you again and after sometime, the honeymoon stage leaves and all you feel is anger at yourself and later get angry at him. When before you used to be the coward, you begin to fight back and
therein lies the danger of being killed, or someone would die today because you are so used to the circle and you fight back and because he can’t beg you anymore, it becomes more violent for him to take possession of you and sometimes, it turns bad and sometimes the abused leaves.

Que, How often does your story help in your practice?

Ans, You see, theory or theoretical approach to issues of life is very good but when people find out that you understand where they are coming from, they open up, they open up and tell you so many things and therein lies the solution and whenever I’m giving talks or seminars, I tell people and victims that I’ve been there, I too have had relationship that has hurt me emotionally and physically. I let them know that I’ve been battered and I’m okay now, so what’s the big deal and they open up more once they know that you identify with them, they open up. It’s just like someone who never had anything as a child but struggles hard to make it and become something, it would be easier for such person to talk to the poor and those under the bridge than someone who had lived a luxury life all year long. My life is my own testimonies towards allowing heal to happen. This reminds me the story of one of the organization that has been at the forefront of advocating for abused and violated persons and when she met with me, she actually had an attitude and it was like I don’t understand and I revealed that I understand in fact I had been a victim and that was the day it all changed because I was once a victim, so I understand more than her who had never been a victim. I speak the language of the abused people and understanding it more and she along other people started respecting my views because I have been there and passed through it and still came out clean, so I’m very passionate about the cause.

Que, How do you cope with the violators and abusers coming after you?

Ans, (Laughs) Indeed, there have been situations where hubby’s have come after us threatening fire and brimstone, thus the location of our centre which was built in conjunction with the Lagos State government wasn’t disclosed so as to protect the victims. We once had one experience when the man called us from Edo state and threatened to come after me and deal with me and I replied him saying I would haunt you down and ensure you go to jail if don’t desist from beating your wife and that was where he calmed down and decided to come to us and we tried our best out of the situation.